Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day.  A day I love and hate.

I want a child so badly, and have been hoping, praying, charting, and actively trying to become pregnant for several years now. Mother's Day is hard because it reminds me of what I'm missing.  And the ache to be a mom becomes deeper.  But there is also some hope.  At some point in the future I will celebrate Mother's Day as a mother, whether I'm a mother biologically or through adoption.  I just want it sooner rather than later.

It also doesn't help that two years ago I was pregnant on Mother's Day.  My first pregnancy, my first cycle on clomid, it was all so seemingly simple then.  It hurts to remember: the pain of finding out that no heartbeat was present at nine and a half weeks, and the waiting....six weeks later....until the miscarriage.

I'm creating this blog as a record of my thoughts and feelings as I process and try to understand my infertility.  I've been reading a handful of blogs in recent weeks and it has been helpful to read the experiences of other women who also have been going through heartbreak in order to create a family.  Hopefully, by sharing my story, I can help others.

Today I acknowledge the wide continuum of mothering:

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.